February 11th 2023
What happened to journaling January and the first part of February….don’t ask….rolls eyes and sighs.
I have been wanting to document my journey back to self for a while well for the past 2 years, but I just couldn’t be bothered, that is how I have felt for a long time, I just can’t be bothered and what is the point in doing anything…the lack of motivation and the sense of what the F am I suppose to be doing, why and what for has been over whelming at times.
The sense of feeling lost is the biggie, like everything I use to like doing, what brought me joy, my passions and purpose just died…death of everything.
Today I came across a post talking about the dark night of the soul that really hit home.
I forgot that we can go through this process many times….over and over again….it gets tiring, and that is how I feel this time, soooooo tired, the wanting to go home feeling has been very strong lately, I am tired of living an earthly experience, (that doesn't mean l want to end my life I just feel I have done this earth life many many times before), and this is partly why l just don’t want to go outside, see anyone, talk to anyone, it is like I have gone into my cocoon and I refuse to come out and shine again.
The death of the old self, and at the same time trying to birth a new self feeling… I feel trapped in-between….hanging onto old aspects of myself, including my passion, my purpose, because that is what is familiar and feels safe, and the new self is trying to let it all go and trust this unfolding new journey and a new me…it scares the s*** out of me at times, and then other times I am just still, calm and accepting….and sat here waiting….and waiting….and waiting…and wondering what the hell am I suppose to be doing, and how, and when, and why.
Waiting to get a nudge…a call…insight….clarification ….and a green light to go go go, to break free from my cocoon and say, ‘Here I am ready to explore and be the new me.’
I am still waiting…..patiently….for that birthing moment.
But, I suppose the fact I have started to begin documenting my journey back to self is a step in the right direction of self-healing and transformation.
So perhaps the phoenix is stirring.
She is restless. Small ambers of light are reigniting slowly in her eyes…smoke is puffing from her nose and a little crackling sound as parts of her old self begin to crack and fall away, ready for rebirth.
I am ready….I think….'big sigh'… but I like it here in my safe cocoon, I am comfy here, it is peaceful and silent…..but what is outside, what new adventures await my arising?
Can you relate to this, how are you feeling, what are you experiencing? Please share your experiences and if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment.